


visions of the future

by andromedagalaxy



Series: Philkas College Verse [25]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 12:32:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11290803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: “I’m not gonna let you fall,” Philip says, grinning. He looks up and laughs, making eye contact with Gabe and following his hand as he points. “Look at your dad, Lukas,” Philip says. “He’s zooming.”Lukas looks up and finds him, going fast around the edge of the rink. “Showing off,” Lukas says, laughing.“I can’t go that fast,” Gabe calls, shaking his head and widening his eyes at Helen.“Yeah, no, I can’t either,” Lukas says, as Philip pulls him forward a little bit. “Baby!” he exclaims, laughing, when Philip tries to pick up their pace.“What?” Philip asks, grinning. “We’re fine!”“Yeah, we’re gonna be fine as soon as I topple over and nail you into the ice,” Lukas says.“Nice choice of words, sugar,” Philip says, and he giggles when Lukas’s eyes flash up and his face goes red.“You’re a tease,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “You’re a tease and you’re currently pulling me out into the middle of the rink.”(Helen, Gabe and Bo come to New York to spend Christmas with the boys)





	visions of the future

Philip wakes up out of a nice dream, and for some reason he’s halfway off the bed. He blinks slowly, rubbing his eyes, and feels the cold immediately. Instead of shifting closer to Lukas, Philip rolls out of bed the rest of the way. He yawns, shivering a little bit, and makes his way over to the window.

It’s still dark outside, the early morning splintering across the sky. The snow is falling in droves, and he stares over at the display in the apartment building across the street. They have three light-up snowmen balancing on the railing of their balcony. Philip watches it blink green and red, smiling to himself. 

The cold starts to get to him almost immediately and even though he loves looking at the way the snow falls against the Christmas lights and the burgeoning morning, he knows he has to get back to bed before he freezes on the spot. He rushes back over and as soon as he hits the mattress he huddles up against Lukas’s back, trembling as the cold runs through him. 

Lukas makes the smallest little tired noise, stretching out a little bit. His back arches and cracks and Philip smiles to himself. He loves the way Lukas feels moving against him. 

“Why’re you awake, baby?” Lukas asks, looking over his shoulder. 

“Dunno,” Philip says, his teeth chattering. 

Lukas shifts around until they’re facing each other, and Philip buries himself in Lukas’s arms. “Stop looking out the window in the morning, you nerd. Or we’re gonna have to stop sleeping half naked and I know you’re trying to hold on to that.”

“It’s just so pretty,” Philip says, still shivering. “The snow, the city, the lights, the sky.”

Lukas rubs his arms up and down, pulling him closer. “Bed is prettier,” he says. “Warm bed, with me in it.”

Philip smiles to himself, biting on his lower lip when Lukas’s hand trails down the curve of his back, teasing around the waistband of his boxers. “They’re getting here early,” Philip whispers, trailing his fingers across Lukas’s chest.

“Not this early,” Lukas says, kissing the top of Philip’s head. “We’re not gonna be able to have sex for the whole time they’re here.”

Philip snorts. He scoots a little further up Lukas’s body so they’re nose to nose. The wounds on Lukas’s face from when he spun out on his bike are looking better, but Philip’s stomach still lurches when he sees them. He tries to focus on the way Lukas is touching him. “Uh, we had sex numerous times when Helen and Gabe were in the house. We just have to be quiet.”

Lukas makes a face. “I don’t know. Knowing that all three of them would be like…right there in the living room would really ruin the mood for me.”

“Well,” Philip says, shrugging and twirling a strand of Lukas’s hair around his finger. “I guess it’s now or never. Or…now or after they leave.”

Lukas widens his eyes. “Yeah…I’ve gotta warm you up anyways, right?”

“Yep,” Philip says, and he hopes the way he makes himself shiver isn’t too exaggerated. “Or I might freeze to death.”

“Exactly,” Lukas says, smiling in that sexy fucking way he does. “I mean, boyfriend duties, right?”

“Oh yeah, you gotta keep up with those boyfriend duties,” Philip says, nodding, reaching around and pressing his hand against Lukas’s lower back.

“I ain’t no slacker,” Lukas whispers, leaning in and bringing their mouths together. 

~

Philip loves looking at their tree. He feels like Lukas made more of an effort with it to cheer Philip up after the accident, and eventually, after they’d added so many lights and ornaments and garland, Philip was happy enough that he could stop focusing on the cuts on Lukas’s face. 

Philip is currently standing on a step ladder beside their couch, leaning over and draping a string of lights on the wall above the window. 

Lukas has his hands on the ladder, and he clicks his tongue and makes another anxiety-ridden noise. “How about, um, be careful?” he says. 

Philip snorts. “I am being careful.”

“You should have let me do this,” Lukas says. Philip wavers a little bit and Lukas wraps a secure hand around his ankle.

“Yeah, so you could fall face first into the window and fuck yourself up more? No thanks,” Philip says. 

“You wanna match me, babe?” Lukas says, his voice going a little high in the middle. It makes Philip laugh, and Lukas holds him tighter. “Okay, get down. You’re done.”

Philip rolls his eyes. “I have one more hook.”

“It’s too far,” Lukas says, tugging on Philip’s pant leg. “We’ll just whip it up there and then plug it in and be done with it.”

“Whip it up there,” Philip repeats, chuckling. He climbs down, Lukas guiding him the whole way, and shakes his head when he’s back on the floor. “That thing is five steps, you know. I’m not seven years old.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, moving the ladder aside and reaching up to grab the wire. “You’re precious cargo. You go up one stair and I want to hold your hand.”

Philip feels his cheeks coloring and he shakes his head, watching as Lukas attempts to get the wire over the last hook without using the ladder. “You’re ridiculous but I love you.”

“You should say,” Lukas says, his voice straining, “that you love me _because_ I’m ridiculous. I know it’s one of the major reasons.”

“True,” Philip says, watching him finally succeed. He walks around, taking the plug and shoving it into the wall. The string of lights comes to life in red and green, and both of them smile. They put wreaths up on both sides of the door, little hand towels that Philip bought in the kitchen, and more lights around the door to the darkroom/laundry room. Lukas takes the new sheets out of the Target bag, dropping them on the couch along with the Santa throw blanket and snowman pillows.

Lukas crosses his arms over his chest, staring around at their work. “When did they say they’d be here?”

“In about an hour or so,” Philip says, remembering Helen’s last message.

“I feel like we should be doing more things,” Lukas says. “I mean, we got the sheets—for the blowup bed too—we already pushed the dining room table against the wall—”

“Scuffing it on the way,” Philip adds.

Lukas glares at him. “Let’s not talk about it.”

Philip chuckles a little bit, trying not to smile. “The bathroom situation is gonna be bad,” he says, glancing over his shoulder. “We’ll have to leave our bedroom door open.”

Lukas grimaces. “Didn’t even think about that. Good thing we had sex. Hopefully I can hold on for a couple more days.”

Philip snorts. “I think you’ll be fine.”

“We should have just let them stay in a hotel,” Lukas says. 

“Hey, that was all you, buddy,” Philip says. 

Lukas turns to him, instantly grabbing him and pulling him closer. He tickles Philip around the middle and Philip writhes in his arms. “Who’re you calling buddy, huh?” Lukas says, in his ear, and Philip squirms, laughing and pushing at him, smiling so hard he nearly hurts his cheeks. 

“Baby, baby!” Philip shrieks, pushing at Lukas’s face and barking out a laugh when he bites at one of his fingers. “Baby, I said baby!”

“Buddy, buddy!” Lukas says, hoisting Philip off his feet for a moment before depositing him back on the ground again. 

Philip’s stomach is starting to cramp under Lukas’s roaming fingers, and he gasps, can’t stop laughing. “Sugar,” he breathes. “Please, please!”

Lukas growls and stops tickling him, but he doesn’t release him from his arms. Instead he leans in, slowly kissing up Philip’s neck. Philip’s eyes flutter closed and he clings to Lukas’s shoulders, breathing a little harder through his mouth. 

“You gotta chill, Waldenbeck,” Philip says, even though he leans a little to the side to reveal more skin for Lukas to kiss. “They can—easily get here early. Easily.”

“As if they don’t know the kind of sin that goes on in this apartment,” Lukas whispers, lightly nipping at Philip’s neck, kissing there again. 

“Knowing and seeing…different things…” Philip says, licking his lower lip.

“Just a little bit longer,” Lukas says, trailing up so he’s sucking on the hinge of Philip’s jaw. “We’ll have to act like we’re not even dating when they get here.”

“Yeah right,” Philip says, laughing breathlessly. “As if we could even attempt to do that.”

~

They’re sitting on the couch watching some game show when there’s a knock at the door.

“I thought they said they’d text us when they got here,” Lukas says, getting to his feet.

Philip shrugs, following him to the door. When Lukas opens it all three of them are standing there, bags and luggage in tow. They all look a little strange but they smile when they see them.

“You guys okay?” Philip asks, cocking his head to the side. 

“You know I’m not the biggest fan of car rides,” Helen says, walking in first, but Philip can tell from her tone that something else is brewing. He locks eyes with her as Bo and Gabe follow her in, and she blinks at him, making a face that means _we’ll talk later._

“Hey guys,” Gabe says, edging into the apartment and putting his bags by the door.

“Everyone okay?” Lukas asks, looking at his dad. 

“Just fine,” Bo says, putting his bags down beside Gabe’s. Philip can feel some kind of weird tension permeating off all of them and he knows Lukas can feel it too, and he wonders what the hell they were talking about in the car. Gabe takes Helen’s bags out of her hands and as soon as he does she steps forward, planting a big kiss to Philip’s cheek. 

“Missed you, kid,” Helen says, pulling him into a hug. 

Philip forgets his worries for a moment and hugs her back, closing his eyes. He hears Bo clapping Lukas on the back, and when Helen pulls back Gabe moves in, hugging him too. “Everything okay?” Philip asks, trying to keep his voice as low as possible.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Gabe says, pulling back and smiling at him.

“Philip,” Bo says, reaching out and patting him on the shoulder.

“Nice to see you,” Philip says, smiling warmly.

Lukas takes as many bags as he can and Philip takes the rest, distributing them between the areas they’ll be staying in. Lukas seems to be moving a little differently, a new nervousness in his hands, and Philip hopes at least some of that is excitement. 

“You got that turkey in the fridge already?” Helen asks.

“Yep,” Philip says, grinning at Lukas. “We had to fight a guy at the store for it but we won.”

“We’re gonna take care of it in the morning, so don’t worry about it,” Gabe says. 

“We’re….not gonna fight you on that,” Lukas says. 

“So we heading right to it?” Philip asks, clapping his hands together. “Or you guys wanna sit down for a little while?”

“We haven’t eaten for a while,” Helen says, exchanging a look with Gabe. 

“We got some sandwiches a while back,” Bo says, walking further into the room to where Lukas is standing, “but they were….”

“Not good,” Gabe says, shaking his head. “Not good.”

“Let’s blow up the bed, babe,” Lukas says, nodding at Philip. “We’ll make sure it fits, put the sheets on both of them and then go out to eat and the other stuff.”

This is one of the many times when Philip wishes he could talk to Lukas telepathically because the look on his face and the sound of his voice don’t line up, but Philip simply nods, walking over to help him.

~

They eat lunch at a diner in Brooklyn and things seem pretty good, the strange tension that they’d carried into the apartment all but dissolved. Philip knows everything that’s been going on with Helen and Gabe lately, which means Lukas knows too, but he diligently asks and smiles, making jokes and including his dad in on everything. He holds Philip’s hand on the table like it’s nothing, feeds him croutons and wordlessly eats the beets out of Philip’s salad like he usually does. 

Sometimes, Philip will think back to the beginning of their relationship in Tivoli. Amongst all the insanity, Philip never thought Lukas would be able to make it to this point. Never thought they’d be able to fall into a routine, that they’d be able to be out, let alone out together. He didn’t think they’d be able to have a family meal like this, where Lukas is so confident and normal in front of his dad, despite the fact that things still aren’t ideal. Sometimes Philip thinks this is a gift his mother somehow granted him on her way out, like she made some kind of deal for his happiness. He wishes she could be here to see it, but he knows she’s watching.

Philip watches Lukas and his heart hurts. 

“So you didn’t miss any more tests?” Bo asks, raising his eyebrows.

Philip’s eyes widen at that and he tunes back in. “You told him?”

“Yeah, he told me,” Bo says, laughing a little bit.

Lukas shrugs. “He weaseled it out of me a little while back. And no, thanks, we’ve been extremely diligent.”

“I still feel bad about not answering the phone that day,” Gabe says, smiling at Philip.

Helen laughs, narrowing her eyes at him. “I was fine,” she says. “I did not yell at Philip.”

“Yeah, you yelled at me,” Lukas says, grinning. 

“Warranted, sounds like,” Bo says, taking a sip of his water. “But I guess I can’t talk. Your mother and I dropped out of a biology class because we never even made it there. Always wound up together but not together in class.”

“See?” Lukas enunciates, looking at Philip. “We’re fine. Young love.”

Philip shakes his head, pressing his lips into a thin line as he tries not to smile. He knows they can call it that. Young love. All-encompassing love. Electric love, a love that thrives in his veins and gets his blood pumping like he never thought it could. “Yeah,” Philip says. “Something like that.”

~

They head over to Rockefeller Center after getting off the subway, and Lukas adjusts Philip’s jacket around his shoulders before running to catch up with his dad and Gabe, the three of them in the middle of some weird argument about public transportation.

“The tattoos look nicer in person,” Helen says, smiling at Philip. “I was worried.”

“You know you should trust me,” Philip says, nudging a little bit into her.

“You two,” she says, shaking her head and suppressing a smile. “So romantic.”

“We try,” Philip says, shrugging. “So what was going on?” he asks, falling into step with her. “When you guys got here? Weird car ride?”

Helen shrugs a little bit, glancing at him. “I know Bo is trying. And he’s doing good. But sometimes he just…says things. About the two of you and your relationship, about Lukas and it just…well, it gets under my skin.”

Philip’s nerves rise a little bit. “Like what?”

Helen shifts her mouth to the side, stuffing her hands in her pockets. “Nothing in particular,” she says, clearly sparing him. “He just—he just needs to widen his outlook, and get used to the idea that his son is gay. His son is gay and in love with another boy and that isn’t the end of the world. It isn’t something he’s gonna change.”

“He, uh—wants to change it?” Philip says, his mouth going dry.

“No,” Helen emphasizes, shaking her head at him. “But I just don’t think—still, after all this time—that he understands this is a permanent situation.”

Philip swallows hard and keeps walking, trying to work through this information in his head. He watches Lukas’s back, how he reaches up and ruffles his own hair, straightening up his hood and pulling it up over his head. Philip hopes his ears aren’t getting cold, and wishes he would wear those stupid earmuffs even though he thinks he looks like a little kid when he has them on. Philip knows how much Lukas cares about his dad’s opinion, and wishes Bo would just accept them for who they are. Realize the severity of the situation, the need they feel for each other. He wishes he could talk to him and convince him.

“Hey,” Helen says, and Philip looks over at her. “Don’t even worry about it. He’s very set in his ways, but he’s here. He calls to talk to us about you two sometimes to find out things Lukas might not have told him. It’s just that sometimes that part of him that doesn’t understand will come forward and act confused about the whole thing.”

“I guess that’s expected,” Philip says.

“He’s trying, though,” Helen says. “He just needs to be set straight.”

Philip nods, and wonders how the hell they’ll do that.

“And you two need to be set straight, too,” Helen says, slapping him on the arm.

He flinches, laughing a little bit. “What?”

“One, I get that it’s your first semester in college, but you need to visit home more often,” she says. “We miss you.”

“We miss you too,” Philip says, nodding. “Noted. We’ll figure it out.”

“Two—you pass out from dehydration? Lukas spins out on his bike? Do I need to send Tony up here on a protective detail? Because I will. I’ll hire a new deputy and Tony can stay with you.”

Philip nearly chokes on his own tongue. “No, uh—no. No, we’re gonna. No. We’ll be careful.”

“Mhm. That’s what I thought.”

~

Philip has always been good at ice skating, was a natural the few times he’d gotten to do it as a kid. But as soon as they lace up and move onto the ice, Lukas grabs Philip’s hand, wiggling, his legs shaking like a newborn giraffe. Philip holds onto him, giggling, and looks up to see Helen a little ways away, taking a picture of them.

“I’m gonna wipe out,” Lukas says, holding onto both of Philip’s hands now and staring down at their feet. “I’m gonna wipe out and have wounds upon wounds on my face.”

“I’m not gonna let you fall,” Philip says, grinning. He looks up and laughs, making eye contact with Gabe and following his hand as he points. “Look at your dad, Lukas,” Philip says. “He’s zooming.”

Lukas looks up and finds him, going fast around the edge of the rink. “Showing off,” Lukas says, laughing. 

“I can’t go that fast,” Gabe calls, shaking his head and widening his eyes at Helen. 

“Yeah, no, I can’t either,” Lukas says, as Philip pulls him forward a little bit. “Baby!” he exclaims, laughing, when Philip tries to pick up their pace. 

“What?” Philip asks, grinning. “We’re fine!”

“Yeah, we’re gonna be fine as soon as I topple over and nail you into the ice,” Lukas says.

“Nice choice of words, sugar,” Philip says, and he giggles when Lukas’s eyes flash up and his face goes red. 

“You’re a tease,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “You’re a tease and you’re currently pulling me out into the middle of the rink.”

“Yep,” Philip says, grinning at him. “Just stare into my eyes. Focus on my face.”

Lukas does just that, shaking his head. “I mean, obviously I can do that. You’re my favorite distraction. But eventually you’re gonna get sick of me and want to skate for real and I’m just gonna be here wavering watching you.”

“I’m not gonna leave you,” Philip says. He slides forward a little, watching Lukas gasp, and presses their mouths together. Lukas makes a little surprised noise but kisses him back, clutching his hands tight. “Helen is taking so many pictures of us,” Philip whispers. “I’m so mad you had your goddamn bike accident right before Christmas.”

“Hey, it wasn’t planned,” Lukas says, shrugging. 

“Just don’t hurt yourself again,” Philip says, his heart hammering a little remembering what it was like to get that ‘don’t panic’ phone call.

“Then hold on to me,” Lukas whispers, tipping his chin up, motioning for Philip to kiss him again.

~ 

A couple minutes later Lukas is holding both Helen and Gabe’s hands, and Philip thinks it’s so cute he feels like he’s gonna pass the fuck out just looking at it happen. He takes a thousand pictures with his camera and can’t stop smiling. He skates over to the wall where Bo is standing, shaking his head. 

“So I guess Lukas never had skating lessons?” Philip asks him, skidding to a stop. 

“Never had the opportunity,” Bo says, laughing a little bit. “His mother was good at it though, so I guess I was hoping he would be too.”

“You’re really good,” Philip says. “I could never go that fast, I’d crash.”

“Oh, I’ve toppled over a couple times in my day, but she was always there to catch me,” Bo says. He clears his throat, sliding back a little bit when a family with three kids eases by in front of him. 

Philip doesn’t exactly know what to say. He knows loss, knows the weight of it, the absolute crushing pain of it, but he’s never lost anyone he’s loved in that way. Lukas is the only person he’s loved like that, the only person he ever will, and the very idea of losing him at all, especially permanently, makes Philip feel like he’s gonna throw up.

“I know I’m probably about to sound very ignorant,” Bo says, and Philip is grateful to be pulled back out of the depths of his fears. 

“Okay,” Philip says, clenching his hands together, briefly looking up at Lukas, Helen and Gabe again. Lukas is laughing loudly, clinging to Helen’s arm.

“Do you ever think…with Lukas, or yourself…that this could just be a phase?” he asks. 

Philip looks at him, his chest going a little tight. “The two of us together?” he asks, trying to keep his voice from wavering. 

“Not necessarily,” Bo says, and he wrings his hands. “No.”

“Being gay?” Philip asks, and after a small silence, Bo nods. Philip tries to gather himself, because he can feel the importance in this moment. He didn’t actually think he’d get an opportunity like this, and he doesn’t want to fuck it up. He draws in a breath and lets it out slow, looking up at Lukas for strength. “No,” he says, trying to sound firm. “No, it’s, uh—not a phase.”

Bo looks off into the distance but doesn’t say anything.

“I’ve never felt attracted to women my whole life. For a while, I thought I might start to, I thought I was just—a late bloomer or something. But then I realized it just wasn’t going to happen. I was inclined in a different direction. And so is your son.”

Bo looks at him then, his eyes intent.

“Lukas dated girls because that was expected of him. He knew what society wanted. A lot of guys in the closet do that, and I know he did because he didn’t want to be what you didn’t want him to be. He didn’t want to be looked at as…abnormal. He didn’t want you to be disappointed.”

“I don’t want to change him,” Bo says, softly, and Philip knows he’s getting somewhere.

“I know it’s hard to understand because it isn’t, well…you weren’t expecting it,” he says, and Bo nods. “But I can tell you, it isn’t a phase. He tried so hard to be different, to be like other guys, but, uh—he couldn’t change it. After a while he didn’t want to anymore, he was able to accept himself, not hate himself for it.”

“I never want him to hate himself,” Bo says. “Not ever.”

“I know,” Philip says. “But even though he’s gotten past that, his preferences still aren’t something he wants to flaunt even now, for fear of upsetting you. He does want you to be a part of our lives together, though. It was his idea to have you guys come up here, stay with us. But the fact that he likes men, it’s, uh—it’s not gonna be something that goes away. It’s part of who he is. And if you’re worrying about me hurting him, because it might be a phase with me or something like that….it’ll never happen. No phase here, at all. And I’d never hurt Lukas. Never.”

Bo nods, blinking a couple times. “The two of you, together, you seem—solid.”

“We are,” Philip says, smiling. “I hope that—I want—I—”

“I have no problem with you, Philip,” Bo says, meeting his eyes. “Like I started this, I know I sometimes sound…ignorant. And I know that things in the past, in the beginning, were unfair to you. I hope we’ve…we’ve moved past it.”

“We have, definitely,” Philip says. 

“And I didn’t mean to imply I wanted it to be a phase so you two would separate,” Bo says, shaking his head. “I just…”

“It’s a normal thing to wonder, because sometimes people do have phases, sometimes people figure out that they like men _and_ women…” Philip says, digging his skate into the ice a little bit, looking up and seeing Helen, Lukas and Gabe at the other end of the rink against the wall, looking up at the tree. He sees Lukas look up and around, trying to find him in the crowd. There’s so much more Philip could say but he knows he needs to cut it short. “But, uh—no. I promise you, nothing is changing. We’ve figured ourselves out. And I hope…I hope you’re gonna find a way to be alright with it.”

“I will,” Bo says. “I…I am. I’m getting there. It’s the new normal. Our new normal. And if he had to date…another boy, well. You’re a good kid. And I can tell—I can tell you love him.”

“I do,” Philip says, looking up and seeing Lukas in the middle of the rink. By himself. Looking around. “So much…” Philip says, quickly. “And I gotta go make sure he doesn’t fall on his ass.”

Bo smiles genuinely, nodding at him.

Philip quickly skates out, weaving around couples and kids, and he sees Lukas’s eyes light up when he catches sight of him. He comes to a halt at Lukas’s side, and Lukas immediately reaches out and takes his hands again. 

“Come look at the tree from over here, baby,” Lukas says, wavering forward a little bit and pressing a lopsided kiss to Philip’s forehead. 

“You were skating by yourself,” Philip whispers, grinning at him. 

“Yeah, trying to find you,” Lukas says. “You see my dad anywhere?”

Philip isn’t exactly sure he wants to tell him about their conversation just yet, though he does feel like it went relatively well. “Right back there,” Philip says, motioning with his head to where Bo is still standing. Lukas waves enthusiastically, and Philip does the same. 

“You think he’s doing okay?” Lukas asks, close to Philip’s ear.

“Yeah,” Philip says. “I think he’s doing okay.”

~

They pose in front of the tree in all kinds of combinations, and finally they pull someone out of the crowd that looks relatively trustworthy and hand her Philip’s camera to take a picture of all five of them. Other than Lukas having the cuts on his face, the picture is just about perfect. Philip knows there are things missing in all of their lives, but he thinks they’re doing good, considering. And Lukas actually asks for a kissing picture in front of the tree, and Helen is happy to oblige them.

Lukas kisses him, holding his face in his hands, and Philip can’t help but grin against his mouth. “You happy, babe?” Lukas whispers, nuzzling their noses together. 

“Yeah,” Philip says, kissing him again and hearing Helen and Gabe laugh, the camera shutter going off over and over again. “I’m happy.”

~

They go through the Winter Village in Bryant Park, and the hot chocolate that Lukas gets is so exquisite that Philip has to sit down, he’s so affected by it. The five of them walk through an ice castle, which leads to a debate between Helen and Bo on whether they could ever succeed at ice sculpting. Lukas tugs Philip into a corner and they kiss in the cold, Lukas breathing hot against Philip’s lips and sneaking his gloved hands underneath his shirt.

Bo suggests bringing Chinese home, says it was something he and Sally used to do when Lukas was little, and they’re all quick to jump on the idea. Philip is especially pleased when he sees how glad Bo is that they accepted his idea. They all eat together in the living room in front of the TV, Philip sitting on the floor between Lukas’s knees, and Gabe tells the story about the three yorkies that escaped on the farm last month, which never fails to make Philip laugh. Bo laughs too, and he and Lukas pass the box of noodles back and forth like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Philip and Gabe stand in the dark room a little while later, wrapping their presents for Helen and Lukas.

“You think he’ll like it?” Philip asks, worrying his lip between his teeth. 

Gabe holds up the chain and inspects the pendant at the end of it. 

“I don’t expect him to wear it,” Philip says, clearing his throat a little bit. “I got him some other things, like a new pair of headphones and a portable charger, but this, I don’t know…I wanted to do something meaningful.”

“Philip,” Gabe says, giving him a look. “He’s gonna love it. But honestly, Lukas would love anything you gave him, and you know that.”

He hands the chain back over and Philip looks at it. He hadn’t known what to get engraved, and he’d stared at his own watch and wondered how someone who supposedly didn’t know what to say had picked out the perfect phrase. In the end, he’d decided on _I’ll love you ‘til the stars burn out, and even more beyond that with L + P_ underneath it. Lukas hasn’t ever worn jewelry really, and Philip has been nervous about it since he brought it home, especially since Helen and Gabe helped him pay for it. He lets the chain pool back down into the box and he puts the top back on, putting it in the package with the other things he’d gotten. 

“I’m almost done wrapping your gift for Helen,” Gabe says. “Want me to do yours for Lukas too? You can pretend you did it, I won’t tell.”

Philip grins at him. “You know me so well.”

~

They keep their bedroom door open a crack when they go to bed, and Philip hopes that if one of them actually has to use the bathroom in the middle of the night that it doesn’t scare him to death. Lukas is already in bed, rubbing his eyes and stretching out his arms and legs. Philip is standing at the window, staring out at the snow and the Christmas lights across the way. He shivers and Lukas clicks his tongue.

“Get over here!” he whispers, and when Philip looks over at him he sees him making grabby hands in his direction. 

Philip tries not to laugh too hard. He takes off his watch, clicking off their bedside lamp and getting into bed next to Lukas. Lukas instantly pulls the covers over them, wrapping Philip up in his arms. 

“I hope Helen likes my stupid card,” Lukas says.

“She’ll probably give the money back to you,” Philip whispers. “And if you don’t take it she’ll probably hide it around here somewhere.”

Lukas sighs. “Is Gabe gonna keep the gardening stuff I got him?”

“Yeah, he wants that,” Philip says. He closes his eyes, burying his face in Lukas’s chest, breathing him in. 

“We sure we want them handling the turkey on their own?” Lukas says, already sounding like he’s drifting off.

“Yes,” Philip replies. “I’m not getting up early for that.”

“Yeah, just to look out the window and get cold,” Lukas says, and Philip can tell he’s smiling by the way he’s speaking.

“Mmm, I love you,” Philip says, pressing a kiss to the hollow of Lukas’s throat. “Even though you make fun of me.”

“I love you too, angel face,” Lukas says.

Philip sighs contentedly, closing his eyes.

~

When they shuffle out into the living room at about ten in the morning, they see Helen, Gabe and Bo all thee hovering around the oven. Bo has his phone out and is reading something about cooking a turkey in hushed tones, while Helen and Gabe are wordlessly arguing about something. Eventually, when they realize Lukas and Philip are awake, they figure out the best way to get the turkey done, and then Lukas puts on Christmas music and Philip’s heart nearly swells with happiness.

Philip and Lukas had jointly gotten Bo this new hunting backpack, and Philip wasn’t sure of it until he sees Bo’s face light up when he opens the box. It’s funny, because Bo’s gift to him is a camera bag, and they have a small, strange moment of comradery once both their presents are opened. 

Philip completely misses Helen and Gabe exchanging gifts, but he sees that Gabe got Bo a bunch of hickory meats and cheese, which elicits a booming laugh, and Philip assumes it’s some kind of inside joke. Lukas gets a fitness band from his dad, which he thinks is implying something, and Helen and Gabe give him a couple of the more expensive textbooks that he needs for next semester. They give Philip about six new outfits, new boots and a nice new wallet, with about three hundred dollars inside. He looks up at them, horrified, but Helen gives him a look, so he doesn’t question it. Philip is happy to see that Helen and Gabe like the gift he and Lukas gave them, which is the receipt for the weird high tech grill they’d had sent to Tivoli. And he tries not to stare when Helen tears up reading his card, but he silently congratulates himself anyway. She looks so thrilled at the framed photo he’d developed for her, of the two of them and Gabe in front of the barn, and Philip is happy it came out as well as it did. 

Lukas pushes a box towards Philip and Philip sighs, giving him his, too. 

“You’re obligated to love it no matter what,” Philip says, his hands on the present Lukas gave him, already picking at the red and green paper. 

“Of course I will,” Lukas says. “But open yours first.”

When Philip looks down he sees that his present is actually two boxes, one smaller box on top of a bigger one. Philip opens the first one and sees that it’s about three packs of enlarging paper, a retouching kit and the new darkroom cookbook he’d been eyeing whenever they went into the photography section in the bookstore. “Babe,” he says, looking up and smiling at Lukas.

“That isn’t even the fun stuff,” he says, shaking his head. “I just knew you needed that.”

“Thank you.”

“Open the other one,” Lukas says, grinning.

Philip gives him a look and he’s almost nervous, ripping off the wrapping paper and tuning in briefly to the adults talking more about how to properly cook the turkey, Helen eating the chocolates they’d put out on the coffee table. Philip takes the top off the box and his breath catches in his throat.

It’s a black leather jacket.

“Lukas,” he says, looking up with wide eyes.

“So you’re cold like, all the time,” Lukas says, grinning. “And you looked so cute in the last one you had, but it got kinda…tainted. So I figured it’s time for a new one.”

Philip touches it and pulls his hand back, like it doesn’t actually belong to him. “This is too much,” he says, shaking his head. 

“No it’s not,” Lukas says. “Come on, lemme put it on you.” He scoots forward and moves around on the carpet so he’s sitting behind Philip, and Philip can only stare at the Christmas tree in shock while Lukas puts the jacket on him. It feels so nice, it’s so soft, and it fits just right.

“When did you do this?” Philip asks, tears already stinging in his eyes. 

“It was like two weeks before finals, I told you I was getting that book at the library. But I did this too. I stole your one jacket and used it to make sure this would fit right.” He maneuvers his way around so he’s sitting in front of Philip again and his eyes roam over him, his grin getting wider. “Looks sexy as hell. Gift for you and me.”

Philip clicks his tongue, moving forward and smashing their lips together. He’s uncoordinated and emotional but Lukas only laughs, taking his face in his hands and realigning their mouths, humming a little bit.

“You like it?” Lukas asks.

“I love it,” Philip says. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Lukas says, kissing him one more time before he sits back, setting eyes on his present. 

Philip’s heart hammers in his throat as he watches him start to unwrap it, and Lukas grins when he takes out the headphones, holding the box up. 

“I knew you listened to me,” he says, smiling softly. 

“Of course, you only talk about the others being broken every other minute,” Philip teases. 

“I thought I was being nonchalant,” Lukas says, reading the back of the box. “You also listened to me when I was rambling about how I wanted the Phillips ones and not just because that’s your name.”

Philip snorts. 

Lukas pulls out the portable charger and laughs a little bit. “Thank God,” he says. 

“Now you won’t be stranded with a dead phone again,” Philip says. “That’s got four times the power, so it’ll get you up to a hundred four times.”

“Also a gift for both of us,” Lukas says, squeezing it in his hand. “Thank you.”

Philip’s breath gets caught in his throat when he sees Lukas going for the small gold box, and he shifts a little, tightening the jacket around himself. He can hear Helen and Bo trading turkey tips, and Gabe walks past him, patting him on the shoulder as he moves into the kitchen.

Lukas pulls the chain out of the box, his free hand taking the pendant and bringing it closer to his eyes. 

“I wanted to get something nice, because you’re always doing that,” Philip says, chewing on his lower lip. “Watch, tattoo, my goddamn camera…”

Lukas reads the inscription on the pendant, mouthing along with the words. 

“You don’t have to wear it,” Philip says, getting more and more nervous by the second.

“I love it,” Lukas says, his voice giving out a little bit. And when Philip looks at him he can see he’s teary now too, shifting his lips to the side like he does to try to keep from crying. Lukas closes his hand around the pendant and holds it against his heart, nodding at Philip. 

“Yeah?” Philip asks, laughing breathlessly. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says, leaning in to kiss him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you,” Philip says, their foreheads pressed together.

“I’m gonna wear it every day,” Lukas says, leaning back and putting it around his neck.

Philip scoots around so he’s pressed against Lukas’s side, wrapping his arms around his middle. “I’m so happy you liked it,” he whispers. “I was worried.”

“You’re crazy, I love it,” Lukas says, kissing the top of his head.

Philip sighs happily, closing his eyes. He straightens up a little bit, pressing a kiss to Lukas’s cheek before whispering in his ear. “I’m glad you and me aren’t a phase,” he says, nuzzling Lukas’s cheek.

Lukas laughs a little bit. “A phase?”

“I got to talk to your dad a little bit yesterday,” Philip starts, briefly glancing up at Bo to make sure he’s still in talks with Helen, which he is. “And—”

“He said that?” Lukas asks, reeling back a little bit so he’s looking into Philip’s eyes. 

Philip can see things are changing quickly by the look on Lukas’s face, and he closes his hand around his wrist, shaking his head. “Lukas—”

“He used that word?” Lukas asks, his voice getting a little bit louder, and Philip is starting to panic.

“Listen,” Philip says, but everything is already crashing down around them. He’s seen Lukas like this before, stuck on something, his mind working on overdrive, and Lukas whips around to focus on his dad. “Lukas, no, wait,” Philip tries, but it’s too late.

“Dad,” Lukas says, his voice cutting through the room. “Philip…Philip and I aren’t a phase.”

Philip’s face is going red and he shakes his head. He sees Bo’s attention fall on Lukas, and everything else goes quiet. 

Lukas struggles out of Philip’s grasp and gets to his feet, standing awkwardly. “I mean, no, it was never a phase. Not even—not even in the beginning. It’s been a thing since before I wanted it to be a thing. But now it’s like, the furthest from a phase that it could ever be.”

“Lukas,” Bo says, but Lukas shakes his head. Philip wants to die.

“I mean, we’re in love,” Lukas says, gesturing down to Philip. “I’m so in love with him. I’ve never ever felt like this before and it’s such an overwhelming thing, God, every day—every day it just gets bigger. Sometimes I can’t even look at him because it’s just so insane how much he means to me. He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever known. Every five minutes I think about marrying him.”

Philip’s mouth drops open.

“I think about what kinda wedding I want for us. What kind of wedding he’d want. What kind of flowers, how I wanna have pictures taken, all kinds of shit. I think about our whole lives together—until we’re old and it doesn’t scare me, it doesn’t—it doesn’t freak me out anymore, ever. It’s just normal. He is me, I’m him—we’re—we’re two parts of the same soul and God, it’s not a phase, Dad,” he says, bowing his head. “I really, really hope you don’t think it’s a phase.”

Philip is short circuiting. He stares at Lukas for a couple minutes and sees the red spreading through his cheeks. Philip is sweating and he’s cold and he’s laughing and half sobbing and he gets to his feet too, his eyes closed. “Bo, I’m—I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t get to—finish—”

He sobs again and covers his mouth, laughing a little bit, and turns without another word and walks into their bedroom. He tries to shut the door but it doesn’t close all the way. He doesn’t think about it. He just rushes over to the wall and presses his face against it. 

On one hand he’s upset that Lukas didn’t let him finish telling him the story before he had his outburst. But on the other hand, the things he said. The things he said the things he said. _The things he said._

“Why are you crying?” Lukas insists, suddenly behind him. “God, I—Jesus, I flipped out. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t think—”

Philip turns around, pressing his back to the wall. “You didn’t let me finish,” he whispers, giggling a little bit, a few tears racing down his cheeks. Lukas steps forward and wipes them away. Philip shakes his head. “I talked to him. Talked him out of the phase thing. Which he wasn’t even really attached to to begin with, he was just sorta—talking, actually opening up to me, which was amazing—”

“When did this happen?” Lukas whispers harshly, resting his hands on Philip’s waist.

“At the rink, last night,” Philip says.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lukas asks, his eyes narrowed.

“I was! Starting to!” Philip laughs, leaning forward and resting his head on Lukas’s shoulder. “We were having so much fun yesterday and I just…forgot to say anything.”

“He was happy too,” Lukas says, running his hands up and down Philip’s sides. “Oh Jesus, I just flipped out on him and he’s doing better with us?”

Philip nods. “He was saying that us together is…the new normal.”

Lukas groans. “I’m such an asshole.”

Philip buries his face in the crook of Lukas’s neck, wrapping his arms around him. “The things you said, Lukas. God.”

“All of it is true, Philip, you know that,” Lukas whispers, kissing his cheek. “I love you, I love you so much.”

“I love you,” Philip says, straightening up and kissing him as hard as he can. His head is still spinning and he’s in love and turned on and feels like he’s gonna melt to the ground and never get up again. “God, I can’t wait for them to leave so I can show you just how much.”

Lukas groans against his mouth, his fingers contracting in and out close to the hem of Philip’s shirt. 

“You gotta go apologize to your dad,” Philip whispers, arching into him a little bit, and Lukas nods, unmoving. Philip pulls him into a deep, open-mouthed kiss, remembering the words _every five minutes I think about marrying him._

Lukas is breathing hard when they break apart and he nods. “Yeah,” he whispers. He briefly kisses Philip again and turns back, walking out into the living room. Philip rushes into the bathroom and splashes water on his face before following after him.

When he makes it back out there Lukas is already beginning his apology. 

“Dad, I—”

“Lukas, don’t worry about it,” Bo says, getting to his feet. “I already felt good about my conversation with Philip but I…I needed to hear this. I’m glad you could, uh—I’m glad you said those things. And it’s…what you did, that’s how someone should defend their partner. Even and…sometimes especially against your own parents.”

Lukas nods, emotion clear on his face, and he and Bo meet in the middle of the room, hugging each other. 

Philip walks over, flopping down between Gabe and Helen, and Helen immediately starts petting his hair. “Just next time do it when it’s warranted, babe,” Philip says, shaking his head and resting on Helen’s shoulder, laughing a little bit.

“As sweet as everything you said was, Lukas,” Helen says, “I want to step in here and say that you definitely shouldn’t even think about getting married until you’re done with college. I mean, you can barely get through your midterms as it is.”

“Helen, they can think about it,” Gabe says, shaking his head at her.

Philip feels like he’s floating.

“Well, it’s something we’re absolutely gonna have to think about, at some point,” Bo says, stuffing his hands in his pocket and looking at Helen and Gabe. “Eventually.”

“Right,” Helen says. “Eventually.”

“Lukas,” Gabe says, getting up. “You think I could ask you something?”

“Of course,” Lukas says, and when Philip pops one eye open he sees Gabe leading Lukas over to the front door and out into the hallway.

Bo sits back down, blowing out a sigh.

As much as Philip is wondering what the hell is going on now with Lukas and Gabe, he feels like he needs to speak up. He shifts a little bit, still leaning on Helen. “Bo, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t trying to like, cause anything. I was just telling him but he only let me get so far.”

“Don’t worry about it Philip, I’m serious,” Bo says. “I know it’s hard for Lukas to be open and honest with me, so hopefully this’ll be the beginning of something.”

“I’ll make sure it is,” Philip says. “But again, much…much calmer, from here on out.”

~

The rest of the day goes well, though Philip feels like they’re all working extra hard to make it so. The turkey is perfect, and the only mistake anybody makes is Lukas slicing the cranberries so thin that they topple right off onto the floor. Lukas just laughs, mentioning something about getting a dog. After their early dinner they walk around the city together looking at people’s decorations, and Philip can’t stop looking at the chain around Lukas’s neck. 

Philip brushes his teeth in front of the mirror with Helen beside him that night, and he can hear Gabe, Lukas and Bo talking about _It’s A Wonderful Life._

“You doing okay?” Helen asks, nudging into Philip’s shoulder, bending down and spitting into the sink.

“Yeah,” Philip says, smiling at her. He spits too, running his toothbrush under the water and putting it back into the cup alongside Lukas’s. 

Helen rubs his back, which turns into her pulling him into a hug. “I’m so happy for you sweetheart. And I know she is, too.”

Philip nods, burying his face in her shoulder. 

“You helped Lukas find who he really is,” Helen whispers. “And you found someone who treats you right. Who loves you so, so much. That’s all I wanted for you and I’m just—so happy it happened with the person you wanted. After everything. You two deserve it.”

“We’re gonna have so many more Christmases,” Philip says, pulling away and looking her in the eye. 

“Yeah we are,” Helen says, and she smiles wide. “And I know I told you not to be thinking about getting married…but I’m absolutely gonna be thinking about it.”

Philip snorts, shaking his head. “You can do the thinking for me. For now, anyway.”

~

Philip and Lukas kiss quietly after the others have gone to bed, and Philip tries to keep himself in check because he knows they still can’t have sex with Helen, Bo and Gabe just a few steps away. But he clings to Lukas, their tongues exploring each other’s mouths, and Philip tries to breathe deep through his nose so he doesn’t have to break the kiss. He tangles their legs together and drags his fingers through Lukas’s hair. Lukas slows the kisses down but doesn’t stop them, pressing their mouths together over and over, licking over Philip’s bottom lip.

“How many times can I say I love you in one day?” Philip whispers, breathless.

“I love you,” Lukas answers, kissing him again. “I’m so sorry.”

“Please, don’t be sorry,” Philip says, pushing up into him a little bit. “Everything you said…fuck, Lukas, if we had been alone…”

Lukas groans, rolling his thumb over Philip’s Adam’s Apple. “I love them but I can’t wait until they’re gone,” he whispers. 

“Same,” Philip says, grinning. “What did Gabe say to you earlier, in the hallway?”

Lukas grins, shaking his head. “Was just giving me some relationship advice.”

“Hmm,” Philip hums, narrowing his eyes. “I guess I trust him.”

“You should,” Lukas says. He leans down, nuzzling their noses together. “Merry Christmas, baby.”

“Merry Christmas, sugar.”

~

They go to breakfast at Clinton Street Baking Company and about three hours later Bo, Helen and Gabe are clambering back into the car, after more hugs than Philip thinks he’s ever received. They stand and wave at them until they disappear down the road, and Philip wraps his arms around Lukas’s middle, leaning into him.

“We’re gonna visit more often,” Lukas says, rubbing Philip’s back. 

“Good,” Philip says. He turns his face into Lukas’s neck and remembers again. _He is me, I’m him—we’re—we’re two parts of the same soul._ “Let’s go back inside,” he says, sighing, pressing his hand against Lukas’s chest.

~

They start kissing as soon as they get inside. Philip feels like the world has shifted a little bit. He knew Lukas loved him. He’s shown it so many times, in so many ways, got that romantic as all hell tattoo on his fucking wrist but—but hearing it the way he did, hearing the things Lukas said, how he said them, who he said them to—Philip doesn’t feel like he can function properly. Like he can’t take a breath unless he’s plastered against Lukas, like he can’t move unless Lukas’s hands are on him. His love for him is aflame, buzzing in every nerve in his body.

Once they get into the bedroom Lukas makes quick work of taking his own clothes off, and before Philip knows it Lukas is naked, wearing nothing but the chain Philip gave him. 

Lukas laughs a little bit, glancing down at himself briefly before pressing against Philip again. “Draw me like one of your French girls, huh?”

Philip snorts, reaching down to undo his own button and fly. “A+ Titanic reference, baby,” he whispers, pressing his forehead against Lukas’s temple, the room spinning around him. He lets out a harsh breath, flashing back to yesterday and all the goddamn things Lukas said. “God, Lukas, I’m never gonna get over you.”

“Good,” Lukas says, helping Philip push his pants down. He tugs at the hem of Philip’s shirt and Philip puts his arms up, letting Lukas pull it off and cast it away. 

Philip moans when he’s down to his boxers, clutching at Lukas’s shoulders when he slides his hands along Philip’s ribcage. “That thing you said about…two parts of the same soul…” Philip shudders, tipping his head back so Lukas can kiss along his neck. “That was some Wuthering Heights shit, Lukas.”

“Mmm, but they were crazy, Philip,” Lukas says, hauling him as close as he can be. 

Philip lets out a breathy laugh. “You read that book?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, clear and honest. “I read all my books in high school until I met you.”

“Cute to think of you reading that,” Philip says, his hands tangled in Lukas’s hair.

Lukas backs Philip up until his knees hit the edge of the bed. He reaches down and pushes at Philip’s boxers until they fall down his legs, and Philip steps out of them, pressing against Lukas again. Lukas licks at Philip’s lower lip, his eyes downcast. “It’s hard for me to say things sometimes, unless something gets under my skin,” he whispers. “So I’m glad—you got to hear it. All of it.”

“Do I get under your skin too?” Philip mutters, kissing the shell of Lukas’s ear.

“Jesus, baby, in the best ways,” Lukas says, his hands roaming over Philip’s back. “You’re everything. Everything.”

Philip wants. He wants and he needs and it’s all about Lukas, about knocking walls down and all the stars in the sky shoving themselves aside because of the two of them, their desperation for each other, their pure love and ache to be in the other’s arms. Philip doesn’t want any more barriers. Not for someone that makes him feel like Lukas does. Someone that makes him feel like gold. Like he’s precious, like he’s important.

“Lukas,” he whispers, his eyes fluttering closed as Lukas bites at his neck. “I don’t want us to use a condom.”

Lukas’s movements stutter a little bit and he’s looking up at Philip in a flash, his eyes wide and imploring. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Philip breathes, leaning in and mouthing at Lukas’s lips, just resting there in half a kiss, half a necessity to be close. “I want you. I only want you.”

Lukas nudges at him and laughs, a light sound, like a soft melody taking flight in the air. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Philip whispers, tugging at him. “Yes, yes.”

Lukas looks at him, looks into his eyes like he might be expecting to find some kind of dissent there, but Philip knows he’s wearing the truth of this everywhere. Lukas nods and eases him back onto the bed, the two of them locking eyes and climbing further up onto the pillows. Lukas plasters his body against Philip’s own and they fall into another long-lasting kiss, the kind of kiss that always makes Philip’s heart race, his already dizzy mind just falling into a replay of _Lukas, Lukas, Lukas._

Lukas ruts against him, moaning every time their cocks slide together. “How do you want it?” he whispers, pressing a few quick kisses to Philip’s slack lips. “Tell me what you need, angel face, and I’ll give it to you.”

Philip almost feels drunk right now, like he’s taking a backseat and his unconscious mind is shoving forward in a fervor and making his decisions for him. “Wanna be in your lap,” Philip says, his breath hitching when Lukas thrusts forward again. “Want you to hold me.”

“Yes,” Lukas says, and he starts to move when Philip reaches out and grabs his shoulder.

“Want it slow, Lukas,” Philip says, his eyebrows furrowing. God, he wants this to last.

Lukas nuzzles his nose along the line of Philip’s cheekbone. “I’m gonna give it to you, baby,” he whispers, and Philip feels his stomach jump. He watches Lukas move over to the bedside table, one warm hand still resting on Philip’s chest, and he comes back with the bottle of lube and nothing else. It turns Philip on just seeing it, just knowing they’ve ditched the condoms, because he’s wanted to for so fucking long, but sometimes routines are a bitch to break. He knows this was the perfect moment. 

Lukas climbs up his body again and slicks up his own fingers. He starts kissing Philip, sloppy and full of tongue, and Philip clings to him when he feels the first finger push in. This always makes his whole body react, in anticipation, in amplified need, in a kind of love that still shocks him. Lukas is the only person to ever do this, to ever touch him this way, and he’s owned it like Philip never could have believed. He knows how to read every movement, every hitch of Philip’s breath, every tremble of his thighs, and he smooths down goosebumps and keeps working, anxious to do it right. But he always does, and Philip hopes he knows that.

“Lukas,” Philip gasps, when he feels Lukas add another finger. “God, fuck, how do you do it?”

“Do what?” Lukas says, kissing Philip’s jawline, licking his ear lobe.

“Take me apart just right,” Philip whispers.

Lukas answers with a moan and he thrusts forward a little bit. Philip sees stars and grips the back of Lukas’s neck, his mouth falling open when Lukas adds a third finger. After a few more moments of that Philip is panting, writhing under his hands, and before he can say anything Lukas pulls his hand back. Philip watches him, watches him slick up his dick and his hands are trembling like he’s nervous, and he’s so fucking sweet that Philip just wants to fucking cover him in kisses. 

He sits up, moving over and capturing Lukas’s mouth with his own. Lukas makes the smallest sound and Philip kisses him deeper, feeling him absentmindedly wipe his hand on the sheets as he pulls Philip into his lap. Philip wants to see him when he does this, so he locks eyes with Lukas and starts to sink down onto him. 

It hurts and it feels so good and he tries so hard to keep his eyes open to watch Lukas’s face. Watch his eyebrows knit together beautifully, his tongue dart out to wet his lips, and his grip on Philip’s hips is so tight and possessive that it’s making the want pulse through him even harder. He keeps thinking about how there’s nothing between them, just Lukas, bare, and Philip lets out a long, broken moan.

“Are you okay?” Lukas gasps, when Philip is finally sitting flush against him.

Philip feels like there’s a bubble of air in his chest, his lungs constricting. Lukas leans in and wraps his arms around him, tentative and careful, kissing his cheek over and over. He breathes there, in and out, just holding him.

“Tell me you’re okay,” Lukas says.

“More than okay,” Philip says, arching his neck back. Lukas kisses the exposed skin as soon as Philip does it, finding his heartbeat and putting his mouth there. 

Lukas moves Philip’s hips for him, dragging him forward and back, and it’s agonizingly slow, so fucking hot. He does it again, twice more, each time slower than the last. Philip feels like putty in Lukas’s capable hands and he loves when he does this, takes charge and makes things happen when Philip is dizzy with lust. 

Philip arches his back and presses down, eliciting a moan. Lukas thrusts up into him then, slow and steady, the two of them moving in liquid time, like the world is stopping for them to do this. Lukas holds Philip’s hips and pushes up deep, and Philip’s breath hitches in his throat.

“Talk to me,” Philip moans, meeting another thrust. “Tell me things.”

“Like what?” Lukas says, smearing kisses against Philip’s collarbones. 

Philip rocks down against him, hands tangling in his hair. “Things like you said—yesterday. More of that. More, more.” Lukas hits his prostate and drags against it, and Philip keens, squeezing his eyes shut tight.

“You’re the most—the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Lukas says, tracing his hands up and down Philip’s back. 

Philip is so hard it fucking hurts. But he doesn’t touch himself, doesn’t want to let go of Lukas.

“My angel, my baby—I feel you every—everywhere,” Lukas gasps. “Ah, oh God, Philip. You are my soul, you’re—you’re part of me—”

“Fuck, Lukas,” Philip replies. Lukas thrusts up into him again, a little sharper this time, and Philip almost feels like he’s gonna pass out.

“You make me strong, Philip, you make me feel like a man.”

Philip smiles, tipping Lukas’s face up so he’s looking at him. “God, you’re a fucking man. A sexy goddamn man, Lukas.”

Lukas grins and he’s so beautiful, sweat shining on his forehead. “Wanna marry you,” he says, pulling Philip forward again. “Wanna wear your ring, wanna have a stupid—goddamn paper that says we’re legally—fuck, oh God—”

Philip’s heart aches with longing even though Lukas is right here, inside him and all around him. Philip’s heart aches for the years they’d missed, and all they’ll miss after they’re gone. He wants infinity with Lukas. Wants to cure death to have it all with him. Wants to be with him until the sun burns out and they have to find another planet. 

“I ache for you, Philip,” Lukas says, and he sounds vulnerable, exposed. He tightens his arms around Philip like he can never be close enough. 

Philip gasps, rolling his hips, and leans down, smashing their lips together. Lukas is still thrusting up into him, so slow, and God the way he moves is fucking divine. Philip knows they were made for this, made to be with each other. “You wanna marry me,” Philip whispers, briefly dipping his tongue into Lukas’s mouth again.

“Yes, I wanna marry you,” Lukas says, his voice breaking, but his pace never faltering. It’s so emphasized, when they go slow like this, so deliberate, and Lukas’s eyes are foggy but focused, always focused on Philip. “I love you, I love you, everything you are.”

“I love you,” Philip replies, pressing down and meeting every thrust, his thighs starting to shake. Lukas reaches down and takes Philip in hand, sliding his fingers over him, and Philip gasps, moaning his name. He’s shaking and he knows he could have come untouched but he’s coming now, Lukas’s words and his movements finally breaking him. 

Lukas reaches up and sucks at his own fingers for a moment afterwards before replacing his hand around Philip’s waist, and Philip isn’t even sure if he actually did it or if he’s caught in the mirage of his own orgasm. He falls forward, still shaking, and Lukas keeps thrusting up into him, a little bit faster now.

“God Philip,” Lukas moans. “Wanna be inside you forever.” Philip is so sensitive, still riding out his orgasm, that he cries out with every single one of Lukas’s movements. And before he knows it Lukas is spilling inside him, white hot and it’s so different without a condom, so fucking intimate and perfect and it makes Philip feel like he could come all over again. 

They finally come down off the high a moment or two later but they still cling to each other, breathing harshly in the quiet of the room. 

Lukas leans back and from the goofy, groggy smile on his face, Philip thinks he’s gonna say something stupid. “Even though we have to wait…” he says, trying to catch his breath. “I wanna…I wanna get married in the barn at home. With only—only a few people there. Christmas time. So you can…you can have your lights.”

Philip’s heart swells. Lukas eases out of him but then smashes Philip’s body to his own while he’s still straddling his lap. Philip feels so dirty, so sweaty, and he knows they need a shower to clean up, but right now he doesn’t want to move. Lukas kisses his shoulder and Philip cradles the back of his head. “We’re not even engaged yet,” he says, grinning.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Lukas says. “We will be.”

~

The aftermath of having sex without a condom somehow feels more intimate to Philip, the way Lukas is so tender with him, cleaning him up in the shower. They make out against the tile wall and Philip can see visions of the future. He never thought Lukas would even think about marrying him, let alone say it out loud. But now it’s real. Something he really wants. And Philip believes it. Can see it in his eyes, in his smile, the way he kisses him.

That night Philip stands in front of the window again, but he’s not shivering because he’s wearing his new jacket. And he feels even warmer when Lukas comes up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“Mm, what’s that above your head?” Lukas asks. 

Philip looks up, and snorts when he sees what’s there. “Where’d you get mistletoe?”

“I grew it and nurtured it with my own two hands,” Lukas says, swaying against him.

“Lukas.”

“Gabe gave it to me,” Lukas says, laughing. “But rules apply, Philip. You have to follow the rules.”

Philip twists around so he’s facing him. Because although the snow in the city is beautiful, with all the building lights and decorations, nothing beats Lukas Waldenbeck. “Alright,” he says. “I mean, for the rules.”

Lukas laughs a little bit against his lips and kisses him sweetly, and Philip doesn’t think he’s ever felt so happy.


End file.
